Warning: This post is a little salty. Kinda sweet, but mostly salty. Bless my heart…
Ah, the comment section of social media posts, where common decency goes to die. The intoxicating combination of strong opinions and unrestricted access to a keyboard causes grown adults forget their manners AND their Jesus all over Ellen or Jen Hatmaker or Today Parents or KGW Newschannel 8 or whoever has evoked their righteous opinionation. I wonder what would happen if, at the end of each day, everyone had to show their mom what they commented on Facebook. I’ll bet things would look a lot different.
This is particularly true of PARENTING POSTS. Almost everyone has either had a parent or been a parent and so eeeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody has an opinion, experience, advice, etc. I’m not just talking about strangers on the other side of a computer screen here. Sometimes the responses we get from our very own friends and family when we post about the realities of our parenting journeys can be disheartening. We get strong opinions and advice WHETHER OR NOT WE ASKED FOR THEM and too often they are not presented with much love and care. For a mom whose heart is cracked wide open with love for her babies, who is tired and tender from the struggle she’s in, it can feel like a punch in the gut.
Over time, however, you start to notice patterns in these responses. The same people say the same types of things, DIFFERENT people say the same types of things…and you start to think that maaaaaaaaaaybe, just maybe these comments that people are leaving are actually more about them than they are about us.
I brought this topic up to a group of moms who have solemnly sworn to be brutally honest with me as I write about motherhood (I’m lookin’ at you, TBMFers), and what follows are character sketches of five of the most common types of commenters we have encountered on our social media posts about parenting.
Disclaimers
-This list is by no means exhaustive. Good heavens, it’s nowhere NEAR comprehensive of all we’ve experienced as we’ve shared our parenting journeys out loud.
-It’s not designed to make anyone feel badly about the comments they leave for others. It’s meant to let other moms know they aren’t alone when they see these types of comments show up on their posts. YOU! ARE! A! GREAT! MOM! And don’t ever let anyone make you forget it…
- The Perfect Mom.
On a post about formula feeding, she says, “Oh, I wouldn’t know. I breastfed all nine of my kids until they were five.”
When a mom is trying to bring some realness about the struggle of keeping a clean house with kids in it, she says, “My kids were all picking up after themselves before their first birthday. My house never looks like that.”
This is the mom who seems to see another mom’s post as a chance to talk about great she herself is. She doesn’t really have anything helpful to say, but she does see a chance to be seen and heard for her own parenting prowess, so she chimes in. This type of response is 100% about her and not about you. Whether she realizes or not, this mom feels like she has something to prove so she’s looking for any opportunity to remind herself and everyone else that she’s good at this mom thing.
How to respond: Bless her heart and keep on scrolling.
- The Silver Bullet Expert.
She shows up on the post about chronic constipation and simply says, “Prunes. Worked for my kids every time.” I mean…really? CHRONIC constipation and you think we haven’t tried prunes? Or when you’ve had a sleepless month (or several months) and just want some sympathy for your fatigue, this person shows up with, “Sleep training. We did it and Drizella sleeps perfectly now.”
Whether you’re asking for advice or not, this commenter has it. And it’s perfect. Worked perfectly every single time for every kid they ever had and if it hasn’t worked for you, you CLEARLY must not have tried it yet. Also, this person rarely bothers with any fluff along with their sage advice. No, “I’m sorry you’re struggling.” No, “Oh, been there, girl!” Nope, this commenter just drops their wisdom in as few words as possible, drops the mic, and walks off to bless someone else with their infinite wisdom.
This mom might actually think she’s being helpful. Maybe she doesn’t have time to add much more. Or maybe she genuinely just does not GET. IT. that all families and all kids are different and what works for her might not work for the rest of us. In any case,
How to respond: Bless her heart and keep on scrolling.
- The “Just Waiter”
There seem to be two types of “Just Waiters.”
One of them is the seasoned parent who, for some reason, doesn’t want us newbies getting too big for our britches so always wants to make sure we know WE AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET, just wait… When you’re dealing with pregnancy insomnia, she says, “This is nothing, just wait until the baby is born!” When you’re crying at preschool graduation, she quips, “Just wait until he leaves for college…”
The other “Just Waiters” are well-intentioned friends who are trying to share in our excitement, but miss the mark a bit. When your kid says, “mama” for the first time, “Oh, just wait until she says ‘I love you!’” When your kid learns to pull himself up, “Just wait until he runs to you for the first time!”
In either case, this type of response tends to sting a little because the moments feel BIG and BAD (or GOOD) for us, and it’s just not awesome to have someone come through and point out that it’s going to get worse (or better). (And, for the record, sometimes they are wrong. Pregnancy insomnia was worse for me than newborn sleeplessness). While their intentions are often pure, sometimes they are doing their level best to be excited with us, the “Just Waiter” could stand to take a step back and just let us have our moment.
How to respond: Bless her heart and keep on scrolling.
- The Veteran Whose Kids “Turned Out Fine.”
“Rear facing until two? Hmph! In my day we didn’t even have car seats and my kids turned out fine!”
“No solid food until after six months? Hmph. I fed you strained peas at two days old and you turned out fine.”
There you are, doing your best to follow the latest research on what’s best for your kids, and here comes The Veteran to tell you she doesn’t understand the fuss over this newfangled flibbertygibbert, her kids turned out just fine without it so it must just be some witchcraft nonsense. Truth be told, I can actually feel where this mom is coming from. Nobody wants to hear that the way they raised their kids wouldn’t fly by today’s standards. But here’s the thing: I fully expect to experience the same thing when I’ve achieved Veteran status. I expect that science and progress will unlock better and safer methods for future generations of moms. But that won’t mean I was a bad mom, nor does baby-led weaning and back-is-best sleeping mean that the moms of previous generations were bad either. We all do the best we can with whatever information we have at the time. So I kind of want to hug the Veteran Whose Kids Turned Out Fine and tell her she was a great mom. But also remind her that progress is a good thing in other areas and it’s a good thing in parenting as well.
How to respond: Bless her heart and keep on scrolling.
- The One Who Really Sees You.
Sometimes she has actual practical advice for you, and sometimes she just says, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that sounds so hard.” When things are good, she applauds and gushes over your kids’ accomplishments and yours, and reminds you that you and your kids actually ARE every bit as special as you feel in that moment.
She tells you you’re a great mom and that your kids are lucky to have you.
This is the mom who shows up in your tough moments and makes you feel like you’re not alone, like you’re not ACTUALLY failing, and like you might just make it out of this season of parenting. She’s authentic and honest about her own struggles, knowing that being herself will give you permission to be yourself. Her goal is not to give the best advice or make you feel better about HER, her goal is to shine light into your darkness and make you feel better about yourself. This is the kind of mom you want in your squad, the kind of friend you want to give your best love back to, and the kind of commenter that makes us feel like we just might survive the internet after all.
How to respond: Bless her heart and hold on tight.
In the end, we would be remiss if we hated on these moms too much. Fact is, their hearts are just as tender from their parenting experiences as ours are. And also, who knows but what we may have inadvertently stepped on someone else’s toes when we commented on their post either. So nothin’ but love, mamas. Nothin’ but love.
But the fact remains that we all need to be told we are good moms, that we aren’t screwing our kids up, and that we are seen in our struggles. If we are honest with ourselves, that’s probably why most of us post online AND the reason the above-described moms comment the way they do. So the next time you feel led to comment on someone else’s social media post about parenting, throw in these six little words:
Sounds like you’re a great mom.
These words cover a MYRIAD of sins, mistakes we might inadvertently make, because they are dripping with love and grace and what everyone needs to hear.
“Sounds like you’re a great mom! Have you tried prunes? It worked for us!”
“Sounds like you’re a great mom! I haven’t been there, but I’m here if you need support.”
“Sounds like you’re a great mom. We didn’t have car seats when I was raising my kids, what will they think of next?”
If enough of us said this to each other, the comment section would become a much more encouraging place for moms to be- and Lord knows we need more of those spaces.
Go forth and love other moms.
